Dear Expectant First-Time Mom

It seems like every time I hop on social media one of my peers is announcing their pregnancy. We’re moving out of wedding season and into baby season. So this one goes out to all of the moms-to-be.
***Disclaimer: I’m no pro, but there are a few things I wish I’d known before my daughter made her way into the world seven months ago.

The day I found out the cause of my lethargy and nausea was a baby and not the flu was a joyous day. Because I really hate the flu. 🙂 I’ve wanted to be a mom for as long as I’ve idolized my own mom, which makes up at least 25 years of my nearly 30 years on Earth.

Some people hate pregnancy. I loved it. Well, 95 percent of it. Everything gets cramped in that last month. I’ve yet to meet a pregnant lady who loves being 37+ weeks pregnant. Every week my app let me know how my baby girl was changing and I found the entire process to be an education and a faith affirmer. So many millions of things line up perfectly for the creation of a new human. I look at pregnant women completely differently now– with wonder. Ladies with bumps become a routine part of life, but they shouldn’t! There’s magic happening in that womb. I’m not running up to strangers to rub and kiss their tummy, but a weird part of me kind of wants to…

So, mom-to-be, I hope your pregnancy is being kind to you. If it’s not, I hope you’re seeing the baby within you as the best justification for feeling crappy ever. Matt and I knew parenthood would be a bit of a trauma, but there were unforeseen challenges– some that could have been curbed, some that every parent deals with.

  1. Take a breastfeeding class and/or see a lactation consultant in the first weeks of baby’s life (if you’re planning on breastfeeding). 

Seventy-four percent of moms breastfeed for some period of time. Forty-four percent of moms breastfeed for six months or more. Before having a baby, I wouldn’t have understood that 30 percent drop. Now I get it. Breastfeeding is hard. Sure, there are some moms who have a bountiful milk supply and whose babies know what to do at the boob right away. But I think that’s a minority of cases.

I limped along breastfeeding my baby girl for the first six weeks, but she was never content after feedings. And it was painful. I finally scheduled an appointment with a lactation consultant who came to our home. She discovered our baby girl’s severe tongue tie within minutes of her arrival. She was astounded no one checked for it in the hospital. We had her tongue tie fixed that week so Skylar could actually use her tongue to suck! A lactation consultant absolutely saved our breastfeeding game.

So moms-to-be, consult the pros! Don’t have unwarranted pride around breastfeeding. You don’t know what you’re doing. I read books and researched online, but having someone watch you nurse and feel around your baby’s mouth is invaluable. Don’t wait, just do it! I wish I had called a lactation consultant earlier.

 2. Don’t trust your milk supply in the first few weeks. Do trust it after 12 weeks. 

I’m a person who likes a routine, so I was eager to hop on the schedule train. I jumped too quickly into attempting to feed Skylar on a schedule. That combined with her tongue tie led to a diminished milk supply. Those first six to 12 weeks are integral to establishing your milk supply. You’ll learn from a BFing class or a LC that milk production is based on demand. I’ve had many friends who have their milk come in plentifully in that first week, about four days after giving birth. Side note:”Milk coming in” is such a magical phrase…how incredible for our bodies to know when to fill up the milk jugs?!

I woke up with heavy boobs one morning and was amazed. “Sweet! My milk arrived!” I casually thought. I assumed it was there to stay. Not how it works. Your body makes more than enough in the beginning then regulates according to how much your baby is extracting. If I could start over, I would have pumped at least once each day when my supply was in full force. That would have saved me lots of stress as I tried to resurrect my supply after learning that Skylar had not been extracting much milk at all with her tongue pinned down.

But trust your body! I dreaded breastfeeding at first because A. it hurt. B. it took FOREVER (50 minutes to 1 hr). C. It was uncomfortable (your baby needs to be propped and you support their every part, so it’s easy to get super bound up neck/shoulder/arm muscles).

And D. I never believed I was making enough. Eventually, you need to get past what the pump says and look at your baby. Is baby happy? Is he/she growing in length? Does baby seem satisfied after eating? After four months, I finally chilled and observed my happy girl. She has never been chunky, but she’s stretching out and smiling lots. I only pump two to three ounces at the end of the day, but I have complete faith that my girl is getting enough now.

3. Focus on your marriage. Somehow. Some way. 

A nurse in the hospital’s triage room checked me and confirmed, “Yep, you’re having this baby…TONIGHT!” Matt and I giddily looked at each other and kissed. The joy and fatigue we felt in the following days was indescribable. But the joy in the following weeks is not a constant. It’s a visitor. The constant companion you have for the first six weeks is fatigue. And with fatigue comes tangled thoughts and hurtful outbursts. You will say things aloud, usually to your spouse, that you wish you hadn’t.

But once baby sleeps through the night (which means six hours straight btw), marriage will still feel different. But what did we expect? We’re bringing A PERSON into our home. Two people are no longer the focus. Everything seems to be poured into that third person. You and your spouse won’t do it on purpose, but you stop pouring energy into one another. And that’s a slippery slope.

A friend of mine who had a baby two months after me (shoutout to Baugh!), sent me this article. It shook me up, in a good way. Matt and I always complain about “kids these days” feeling entitled, but we never talk about how they got that way. This article nails it. Parents focus on their kids and not their marriage. I want our kids to look at our marriage as an example of love. A love that existed before they entered the world! Keep nourishing your marriage. It’s hard! One of the hardest parts of bringing a child into your lives.

4. Meet other moms. 

I had a friend in Tucson who had her son six weeks before I had Skylar. She helped me talk through my baby blues and offered helpful hints for the challenges of caring for a newborn. She, sadly, moved in January and I realized I was sort of alone. Not that I have no friends, but I didn’t have many mom friends who could empathize with the isolation that comes with those first months.

We were not created to be alone. I’ve always been good with alone time, but it’s no longer alone time when a baby crosses your threshold! I found myself craving a tribe…literally a tribe. I was wishing I had a bunch of women with babies in teepees beside mine. OK, we can stay in houses. I was dying for fellowship with other mothers. It’s a necessary therapy.

Postpartum depression is real. I don’t think I had a serious case, but I definitely had the baby blues. You realize the gravity of your responsibility while feeling alone and in a sleep-deprived fog. Talk to other moms. They get it.

I think there’s a real need for community within the circle of mothers with babies under six months. There are not many options for meet-ups. Classes and playgroups don’t start until they’re six months old. And before that, you feel silly attending a “playgroup” when your baby isn’t old enough to grasp a toy, much less the word “play”.

Insider tip: playgroups are for moms. Sure, it’s super helpful for babies to watch each other and learn from observation, but honestly, moms just need other moms. I wish I had started going to baby story time at the library earlier. Yeah, it’s hard to fit stuff between naps when they’re super young, but getting out of the house truly will make you a happier, better mom.

5. But leaving the house is scary!

Seriously. I did not think I would be so fretful about driving Skylar somewhere. I still remember my first drive solo with her– I stayed well under the speed limit. I was constantly paranoid that she was going to have a meltdown, so we didn’t get out much. She was starving, so her first couple of months really were one meltdown melting into the next.

I truly did not get it when I saw seemingly carefree moms perusing Target with their brand new babies asleep in the cart. I was traumatized after 10-day-old Skylar screamed her way through Target in the stroller. You’re so afraid of how your baby will behave and what people will think about you as a mother. But I think back to the days when I heard kids crying in stores and airplanes– I never thought, “Ugh, how annoying”. No, I thought, “I wish I could help that poor mama”. So just know people aren’t all judging you…they’re mainly pitying you. Now, doesn’t that make you feel better? 🙂

6. People give advice…they can’t help themselves. Shoot. I can’t help myself. 

I realized it as I wrote this subheading– I’m giving unsolicited advice. Take it or leave it! There are a trillion different ways to mother. I know a lot of really good people who were raised very differently from me. Very differently from how I’m raising Skylar. Many wise, been-there moms will tell you how they did it. Most of the time, they are not telling you “this is how you should do it”– they just want to be helpful.

I have pride so I have trouble with this one. If someone tells me something they did, my ego think “I know what I’m doing!” But really, I don’t. haha. It’s prudent to listen and (dare I say) apply some of the advice you get. But not all of it. That’s not possible. And God gave you this incredible maternal instinct. You may not feel like it, but you’re well equipped to keep this baby alive. The tools are built into your DNA.

I’m sure there are lots of pro tips I’m missing. Just thought I’d share a few things I wish I’d known. Good luck, mamas! This is the greatest gig on Earth.