Stepping Off My Pride Rock

Character flaws. I have plenty. Every week, a new one broadcasts its ugly mug. I do not completely loathe myself, mainly I just surprise myself. Most recently one of my bosses at Anthropologie made a remark over our walkie talkies (yeah, we’re very CIA) criticizing me. Did she need to do that for every employee to hear? Probably not. Was it mean spirited? No. She just thought I was distracted and distracting others. My knee-jerk reaction was to snidely thank her sooo much for reminding me to loiter productively around the fitting room. Rage boiled inside me. I have been lying all these years saying, Teach me! I take criticism well. I won’t hold anything against you, even if I disagree initially. False, Annie. You are terribly hard to coach and your pride blinds you from opening your mind up to even considering a qualified peer’s opinion.

Weeks before Olympic Trials in 2012, a teammate of mine (Clark Burckle- who went on to make the Olympic team. Woot!), was helping tweak my breaststroke. I asked him to watch me. His slight constructive criticisms infuriated me. Not because I was mad at him, I insisted. It was frustration in myself for not getting it and my deadline was closing in. Instead of graciously accepting his helpful hints, I climbed into my hard shell to guard me from further outside input. Consideration blew out the window. After practice I was making breakfast when Matt asked, “Did you thank Clark for helping you?” I was inundated with guilt. No, I had not. I could not remember saying a word to him.

I can dish swimming criticisms all day, but taking it, not so much.

To absorb, you must first have humility enough to accept you do not have your crap together. I inexplicably convinced myself I had it all under control and any critique I received should be laudatory. Pride spawns stubbornness and anger. Humility spawns consideration and grace.

Charles Spurgeon, a preacher in mid-19th century New York, is estimated to have preached to 10 million people during his lifetime. I’ve always appreciated Spurgeon references embedded in our Pastor Steve’s messages. On a physically humbling run this week, I listened to Spurgeon’s 1861 message on humility. Much of it resonated with me, but not because of personal conviction. I was alarmed by how often other people popped to mind as Spurgeon characterized variations of pride. At the conclusion of his message, as if he sensed my own self-righteousness, Spurgeon said:

We are never, never so much in danger of being proud as when we think we are humble.

Got me, Charlie. It’ so easy to pluck out others’ flaws when you hold yourself in high esteem. Believe in yourself is the millennial mantra. It’s a motto that can be translated in too many ways. We are instructed to value ourselves highly, so we do not seek value in the wrong places or fall victim to depression. Not arguing the validity of that. But self esteem curriculum can be twisted by young minds into pride and conceit. I was always a little confused by believe in yourself. Have faith in yourself. What have I done to deserve faith? My character was formed by my parents, teachers, mentors, coaches and friends. I have placed faith in all these outlets, and if I am the sum of these parts, then perhaps I can put faith in me. But I am nothing without God and all of the resources He planted around me.Yes, I absolutely doubt my own judgement, and am hesitant to believe in myself.

Sometimes people believe in themselves a little too much. An obnoxious amount. Fame can be like Miracle-Gro doused on pride, blossoming insufferable arrogance. 

Any time you want, Roy? More than the existing champions, Roy? Where are the 10% phantom champions at, Roy? Anyone else embarrassed for Roy because we know he ain’t going to get a title shot anytime he wants?

Spurgeon has this to say on boasting: